i really like this poem. my favorite line break is "the want called/ up to mouth." the lines of lamplight recalling the consistent lines of poems which start similarly. i like the disorienting-ness of the first line break, "at-"...there's a way in which the suddenness of this line break and the sudden placement at the street corner in the next lines does self-awared-ly "call" the reader into the scene, as if frustrated with itself and its inability to frame the scene any other way but this. though i think you can shake it up a bit! like instead of "holding" maybe there is another verb that is more striking. i like "greed" and i think you can do more with that sense of desire for things not yours but i really like how the negation at the end "(not mine)" seems to be an interesting half-lie. it IS another smile and yet the greed and want is partly yours also? this poem seems to be very wistful until the strikingness of "greed" and i think you can make tweak the viciousness level up a bit...if that makes any sense?
i was completely thinking about your "direction of sense" poem when i wrote this, btw. so, i'm a thief and a liar =)
i'm not so certain about the line breaks; i did want to convey that sense of frustration: a street corner, but it could be anywhere; i still have to put down the lines.
mmm, and i get what you mean about the sweetness of it until the end. "holding" is holding the place for another word, i think. maybe something along the lines of "trap" or...something sharper around the edges. i'll think on it some more and repost
3 comments:
i know whoooooooooo you're talkin' abouuuuut.
ahem. more (useful) comments to come. you should've been to saskia's reading btw!!! utterly fabulous.
i really like this poem. my favorite line break is "the want called/ up to mouth." the lines of lamplight recalling the consistent lines of poems which start similarly. i like the disorienting-ness of the first line break, "at-"...there's a way in which the suddenness of this line break and the sudden placement at the street corner in the next lines does self-awared-ly "call" the reader into the scene, as if frustrated with itself and its inability to frame the scene any other way but this. though i think you can shake it up a bit! like instead of "holding" maybe there is another verb that is more striking. i like "greed" and i think you can do more with that sense of desire for things not yours but i really like how the negation at the end "(not mine)" seems to be an interesting half-lie. it IS another smile and yet the greed and want is partly yours also? this poem seems to be very wistful until the strikingness of "greed" and i think you can make tweak the viciousness level up a bit...if that makes any sense?
i was completely thinking about your "direction of sense" poem when i wrote this, btw. so, i'm a thief and a liar =)
i'm not so certain about the line breaks; i did want to convey that sense of frustration: a street corner, but it could be anywhere; i still have to put down the lines.
mmm, and i get what you mean about the sweetness of it until the end. "holding" is holding the place for another word, i think. maybe something along the lines of "trap" or...something sharper around the edges. i'll think on it some more and repost
thank you! <3
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