i'm finally posting the more solidified versions of "she sees to the curses of men"-- i'm not certain about the format (division into 2 parts, etc...), so suggestions will be immensely helpful. also, the penultimate line is indented, but blogger won't show it, blehh.
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part one
prescient proserpina already knows
every day in the meadow
is a wait. hours wander
but her path is sure. straight
stone, she sinks and
captures his hand
guilty of want
as it pulls her down
(she had been hearing the echoes of
his pacing in the long rooms
for some time)
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so vewwwwwy intewesting. no, really, i think this is just about perfect, except for one or two things. i feel like "guilty of want" is a bordering on melodramatic there, so i was thinking - maybe because the act of "capturing" already kind of suggests this idea of desire, that you can omit that line "guilty of want" and instead replace the word "hearing" in the next stanza with something that is more active and suggests a guilty want. "hearing" i feel is such a passive word in such a short and striking poem, and you need something much more vivid there to counterbalance the airiness of the last stanza. maybe something like, tracing? breathing? wanting? even "listening to" connotes something more active.
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