some more edits. i don't know in which way this thing wants to go. bleeecchhh
after theseus
Do not pity me Catullus.
It was never I--
I who did those things you pity
the sand around me livid,
frozen into shapes like waves
and the black sails hastening
him away,
but no more--
This body was no stranger
and his madness:
born from
too many days kept within.
Immemor
sped across the sea
does not know
But I thank him for the
artifice of sleep
at least
2 comments:
what happened to seduction??!!!!!
what do you think about: "frozen into waves"? but seriously, i really like "this body was no stranger/ to seduction." or at least something there...i think that line is a little empty without something there. also, not sure about "does not know." keep playing with that line, i KNOW there is something perfect that goes there. the line breaks and no punctuation make the stanza have a sort of halting rhythm - 3,5,3 - maybe shake it up a little? also, are you going to italicize "immemor?" not sure if posts allow italics.
bwhaha i was going to ask you the same thing! where has all the romance gone, hubby?
aaaanyway, i need to come back to this over the break, when i have some "time" to get back in that mindset. immemor does need italics; i keep forgetting my favorite language is dead.
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