been trying to work a bit on this one...having trouble with the wording in the last stanza and the subject+verb variations, the narrative vs. imagistic effect...
Caravaggio
Black grows from the light,
from the scene, fills
the churches - bodies
so heavy they
fall to altars, cannot keep
themselves to shadow or
street corner.
On canvas the saints
are sooted, recognizable.
Sword in hand,
stumbling the nights in Rome
he is thrown into cells
and out, stalking the living.
He paints yellow wax
monsters of the murder,
offers his own head as Goliath's.
The teeth gnash, the eyes
almost see. David clutches
the slick hair, afflicted -
neither are triumphant.
And the final scene:
dragging his way down
a shoreline, the receding sails
drive him into fever.
Following a curve of
water, cutting his
feet on rocks.
He falls to the sand -
The ship goes under horizon
with his paintings.
A death, no pardon.
3 comments:
i really like what you've done here and the way that each stanza is a painting in itself.
i agree with the subject/verb bit. in the first stanza, it is black that fills the churches..but bodies cannot keep themselves to shadow, etc... maybe place a dash after "fills the churches" or place another "they" before "cannot keep themselves to shadow..." [i already like the sense of repetition you've got going on here, like brushstrokes on the canvas again and again (i.e. "from the light" + "from the scene")]
the second stanza is very nearly perfect.
for the third stanza, i might consider cutting some articles and replacing others: "dragging his way down THE shoreline", "receding sails drive him".
interesting how you write "a curve" of water; i was expecting "the curve", but this is better. it better shows his absence from precise thought.
and the last line is great, but again, what if you omit "a" and leave it as "death, no pardon"?
mm, i hope this is coherent and/or slightly helpful. i shall now continue to work on my p-set. ja, matta ashita
thanks, these comments are great. i'm gonna definitely play around with the articles and with the verbs. i agree with your suggestions for the first stanza and the comments about taking out some articles. this is fun! =D
y'know, i kind of want a space between the final and penultimate lines...
and to reiterate: i like the edits to the third stanza, but maybe another place is more suitable for "canvas for atonement of flesh", so as to not interrupt the flow of "offers his own head as goliath's. the teeth gnash..."
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