a figure from clay he made.
he fashioned a figure from clay.
hard to see
until i take
the lathe--
on the wheel, earth under
hand tears into skin like
steel wool un strung
(its hungry grit
'brades the skin. it does not
settle silt)
from this
lump
unconvinced of lines
or grace--
from this
clay
he made
the shape
he made the make,
he smoothed the shape
and figured clay
with hands like mine
for seven
days
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2 comments:
amazing revisions...some small things: why is there an ellipses in "unconvinced of...lines" and also, i kind of liked the energy of the original line of "'brades the skin and never dreams/ as silt." i think i liked the flow directly between "skin and dreams..." might be a corny and bad suggestion...but maybe "'brades the skin and dreams/ not as silt"? i think it's cuz i like the continuance and sonorousness of the D sounds which bounce from one to another. everything else is great.
thanks! i got some really great insight from a certain professor. =)
ahaha, the only reason there's an ellipsis there is because i wanted a space, but blogger wouldn't show it when i tabbed! but now that i think about, i don't want anything there but a single space. so silly.
yes, i'm having trouble with this brades the skin bit. i need to continue revising, because the flow is so interrupted there. I would like it to be smoother, just as the form of the clay starts to coalesce. arrg. will work on it.
thanks gargly!
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