sometimes, i feel so very frustrated and get the urge to howl like a child, yet leave people unsurprised. days that i hate everything, like walking down a street and being seen or looked at...resenting the fact that the laws of physics dictate even how an eye can define the boundary of me.
anyway, this is strange. too many "un-" words? distracting rhymes or repetitions? please advise (especially the ante penultimate set of lines)
-------------
rest easy in the face of a
dog i have inherited, the
lips and curves unfine,
ill defined.
stalking up hills and
narrowing the corners of my
eyes at strangers--
the photon that has done me wrong,
the indecorous eye that will
continue to look
must turn elsewhere
at them i am shaking my
arms, rattling ineffectual
air
past the sullen quiet, the glare
of solid quiet
is a state of un-care
where i am
unconcerned.
shaking arms, knives
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2 comments:
hey chica, interesting revisions. as for the "un" words, i would suggest changing "unpretty" in the beginning, because i lose the sense of the doggish face and see instead what it is not: porcelain-like, fine. i like "unfine" which i think is a much more precise word than "unpretty," and i think changing "unpretty" to another adjective would make the sense of the lips and curves less vague, more defined not by what it is not. maybe i wanted something more doggish rather than the negation of something pristine and refined: "unfine, wrinkled....unfine, hanging...unfine, sloppy." if this were changed, the "un"s at the end would do very well with just recalling the one precise "unfine" in the beginnning.
yeah, i think "unpretty" is too...frilly a word. but i don't know about "undefined" in its place. maybe i'll leave it as just "unfine."
gaah. i think this needs to be put away for a while. maybe i'll come back to it later.
thanks for the input, though! =)
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